As promised, here is my baggage from earlier today. The rest of the day was about 15 shades of craptastic but I think some of that was from having all of this mess in my head.
I keep trying to figure out how to explain what it felt like this morning but it's incredibly difficult. From the moment I woke up it was a struggle to convince myself to go work out. My own mind had come up with multiple reasons why it was okay not to run today. Then, when I got there, all I could think about was how hard it was and how I'm never going to make it to the end of the program much less actually run a 5K. These intense negative thoughts just kept running through my mind and no matter how hard I tried to counter act it with positive statements I couldn't.
It's one thing to have a negative person around you putting you down. You can ignore them or tell yourself they don't know what they're talking about. It's a completely different thing when that person you are fighting against is yourself and every negative comment or reminder abotu past failures is the god's honest truth.
When I cried on that treadmill today it was because I realized that I don't believe in myself. I don't follow through because deep down I honestly don't think I can do it. I want to but I also care too much abotu what people think of me to put myself on the line and potentially fail.
In my head failure and mockery and judgement for that failure are all 100% certain to occur. Instead of going through that I pull myself out of the situation. I make excuses.
I don't want to do that anymore and I don't want that feeling of fear and insecurity to fuel that fear of failure. I don't want my choices to be made based on my perception of what others may think. I don't know yet quite how I'm going to manage it except for each day going to war with that pessimistic side of myself and considering each workout a battleground. I don't have the option of losing either because by losing I'll be admitting that I don't even have control over my own self and that is terrifying.
:(
ReplyDeleteI think you were able to put into words a lot of what I'm feeling and couldn't admit.
I don't really know what to say - but I'd be proud of you even if you didn't make it to a 5k. Just trying is awesome.
I know how you feel, I too doubt myself all the time, and I think we women are especially hard on ourselves. I know I tend to blame myself whenever things don't go as I feel they should have, or when I'm not losing weight or when I can't get through my workout. It's a viscous thing. Self doubt and self defeat. The act of getting to that treadmill and getting your mind into cooperating is the most of battle and believing in yourself and knowing that you can do it. But I believe in you. I believe you can do it and you will do it! Hugs!
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