Thursday, February 25, 2016

not so much

The potential match I posted about recently did not work out.

It was our decision not to move forward and we had some genuine, big reasons for not pursuing it further. Still, it stings. 

It stings because we met and bonded with these children. It stings because we dared to hope that our journey toward parenthood was coming to an end.

To quote John Green, "It hurts because it mattered".

One positive thing to come out of this mess is that we received our official state approval earlier than expected. We are officially "paper pregnant" as of February 10, 2016.

That term feels so weird. I'm not sure I like it, but it seems fitting and others around us have sort of latched onto the saying. 

Meh. Whatever makes them happy, I guess.

As disappointed and saddened as we are, we are still moving forward and open to any new matches that might come our way. Our caseworker is awesome (as is our agency) and this team behind us is working with us toward finding our family. 

This process has shown me time and time again that God's timing is perfect.

I'm trusting him with this completely.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Is this real life?

I can't say much right now, but things are happening. They are happening quickly.

Children (yes, children. three of them to be exact) have been identified for us and we have a pending match. We are expecting word from the state in the next day or so.

Things just got really real.

I will update when I can.

Monday, February 15, 2016

I'm not exactly Ty Pennington

There isn't much to update on with the adoption except that Steve and I put on our DIY hats and planned a large scale home makeover in preparation for kiddos.

Well, Steve drove me to Home Depot and gave input on paint swatches. Then he napped because he had a man cold and hates painting.

I put on my super cheap yoga pants from the grocery store, cranked up my "getting stuff done" playlist, and pretty much attacked the walls of our largest guest bedroom with a paintbrush and rollers. It went from a dirty looking yellow color to the most amazing shade of blue. It's called "Yucutan" by Behr and I'm in love.

Although gender neutrality was a large factor in our choice of paint since we don't know the specific children who will share our home or their color preferences, it was much more about which colors I was drawn to at the store.

Our smaller bedroom will be painted a warm grey color called Shitake, also by Behr.

The last room to receive a makeover will be the bathroom which we are painting a bright green color by Behr called "Citrus Peel".

In that picture it looks a little like split pea soup, but it is actually almost lime green in the lighting of our bathroom. 

So far we have only made it through the one bedroom with paint, but the other two rooms are not far behind. With Valentine's Day yesterday and Steve being sick, painting got pushed to the back burner. I spent the morning with my parents, older brother and his fiancee, and my grandmother at brunch before coming home to snuggle my sweet baboo. Much better than sequestering myself in a bedroom with a bucket of paint. Time will tell which room will be finished today.

Next weekend I have a reading intervention program training to attend that I am ridiculously excited about. Hopefully by the time I return the state will have made a decision and we can go out and find our children! 

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Ash Wednesday

It's that time of year when your Catholic friends walk around with black smudges on their foreheads and get creative with seafood recipes.

Yup... it's officially Lent.

In the past, this season of the liturgical year has seemed like a serious and sad time. The church is draped in purple, we can't sing the Gloria at mass, people are fasting, everyone has given up something they love. I always associated this period between Mardi Gras and Easter to be the gloomiest part of the year. I mean... we're all just pushing through until Easter, am I right?

This year I am seeing this season of fasting, prayer, and almsgiving in a new light. It has always been a season of preparation, but I don't think I truly honored the purpose of preparation before this year.

Steve and I have been in a season of preparation for our family for a while now. We got final approval from our agency at the end of last month and are only waiting on one letter from the state before we can begin matching with children. The day when we can finally meet our children and bring them home is imminent. 

But, we aren't quite there yet. And it's a good thing because we have a few things we need to do still. Little things like painting the bathroom, washing the new towels and bedding we purchased. As well as big things like meet with case workers to identify which kids we are willing to match with.

This process is a microcosm of what is happening our hearts as we prepare for Easter. That day when Christ rises from the dead will be filled with a joy worthy of a southern banana pudding celebration. But you can't truly appreciate it and enjoy that day without buckling down and honoring the journey. 

By fasting, praying, and giving alms we are doing those big and little tasks which prepare the way for celebrating the gift that is Christ's resurrection. Just as we must prepare for the gift of parenthood, we must prepare our hearts and minds for the greatest gift we will ever receive, which is Jesus on the cross.

I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I may never know the full list of reasons behind our infertility in God's plan for us, but I know without a doubt that he is using our adoption journey to draw me incredibly close to him and rekindle the relationship which all but died between us over the last few years.

I hope all of you who are fasting have an easy fast and that you use this Lent to grow your own spiritual relationship.