days like today

My medical issues are still acting up and today is one of the worst I've had to date. I'm suprised since Steve and I got such good news yesterday - the thing we've been hoping for - and on top of that it's a Friday. If my issues are being brought on and intensified by stress then today would probably be the least likely day for such terrible issues.

Yet another fact which makes me believe it isn't in my head and it isn't just because of stress. Hopefully my doctor will listen to me at my appointment on Tuesday, really look at the research I'm bringing him, and I'll get the tests necessary to figure out if somethign treatable is causing this nightmare.

Days like today are the ones when I wonder if it is practical to become a teacher. What will happen if all of the tests come back negative and they find that this truly is just severe IBS and I'll just have to "deal with it" for the rest of my life? What happens if, for the rest of my life, I'll have days or weeks at a time where I'm unable to eat because my nausea is so strong, or I'm unable to be away from the bathroom for longer than ten minutes.

I love the idea of teaching and being able to help students see material in new and interesting ways, but is that type of career something even remotely possible when my medical issues prevent me from properly functioning at my current job? At my job now I have the ability to run to the bathroom whenever I need to. When I need a minute to collect myself or take a break while the nausea passes I am able to do that without it interfering too much with my job. People I work with and for don't particularly like it, but it's possible. I don't think these things would be possible in a classroom. Especially if there isn't anythign I can do to prevent the symptoms from occuring.

It's frustrating to think this way, but I can't help thinking about how this pain and discomfort is going to effect me in the future. There are a lot of things I need to "just deal with" in the next few years and I really don't want these awful symptoms to become a part of that list.

I could deal when it was just a random stomach ache or the runs after eating a trigger food. There was a plan and I could at least do somethign to try and prevent it. For the last month I feel so out of control of my body that it's hard to function day-to-day. I'm so tired of it.