I'm not exactly Ty Pennington

There isn't much to update on with the adoption except that Steve and I put on our DIY hats and planned a large scale home makeover in preparation for kiddos.

Well, Steve drove me to Home Depot and gave input on paint swatches. Then he napped because he had a man cold and hates painting.

I put on my super cheap yoga pants from the grocery store, cranked up my "getting stuff done" playlist, and pretty much attacked the walls of our largest guest bedroom with a paintbrush and rollers. It went from a dirty looking yellow color to the most amazing shade of blue. It's called "Yucutan" by Behr and I'm in love.

Although gender neutrality was a large factor in our choice of paint since we don't know the specific children who will share our home or their color preferences, it was much more about which colors I was drawn to at the store.

Our smaller bedroom will be painted a warm grey color called Shitake, also by Behr.

The last room to receive a makeover will be the bathroom which we are painting a bright green color by Behr called "Citrus Peel".

In that picture it looks a little like split pea soup, but it is actually almost lime green in the lighting of our bathroom. 

So far we have only made it through the one bedroom with paint, but the other two rooms are not far behind. With Valentine's Day yesterday and Steve being sick, painting got pushed to the back burner. I spent the morning with my parents, older brother and his fiancee, and my grandmother at brunch before coming home to snuggle my sweet baboo. Much better than sequestering myself in a bedroom with a bucket of paint. Time will tell which room will be finished today.

Next weekend I have a reading intervention program training to attend that I am ridiculously excited about. Hopefully by the time I return the state will have made a decision and we can go out and find our children! 

Ash Wednesday

It's that time of year when your Catholic friends walk around with black smudges on their foreheads and get creative with seafood recipes.

Yup... it's officially Lent.

In the past, this season of the liturgical year has seemed like a serious and sad time. The church is draped in purple, we can't sing the Gloria at mass, people are fasting, everyone has given up something they love. I always associated this period between Mardi Gras and Easter to be the gloomiest part of the year. I mean... we're all just pushing through until Easter, am I right?

This year I am seeing this season of fasting, prayer, and almsgiving in a new light. It has always been a season of preparation, but I don't think I truly honored the purpose of preparation before this year.

Steve and I have been in a season of preparation for our family for a while now. We got final approval from our agency at the end of last month and are only waiting on one letter from the state before we can begin matching with children. The day when we can finally meet our children and bring them home is imminent. 

But, we aren't quite there yet. And it's a good thing because we have a few things we need to do still. Little things like painting the bathroom, washing the new towels and bedding we purchased. As well as big things like meet with case workers to identify which kids we are willing to match with.

This process is a microcosm of what is happening our hearts as we prepare for Easter. That day when Christ rises from the dead will be filled with a joy worthy of a southern banana pudding celebration. But you can't truly appreciate it and enjoy that day without buckling down and honoring the journey. 

By fasting, praying, and giving alms we are doing those big and little tasks which prepare the way for celebrating the gift that is Christ's resurrection. Just as we must prepare for the gift of parenthood, we must prepare our hearts and minds for the greatest gift we will ever receive, which is Jesus on the cross.

I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I may never know the full list of reasons behind our infertility in God's plan for us, but I know without a doubt that he is using our adoption journey to draw me incredibly close to him and rekindle the relationship which all but died between us over the last few years.

I hope all of you who are fasting have an easy fast and that you use this Lent to grow your own spiritual relationship.

A lesson on love

There are some verses of the Bible which are so well known they become intertwined with secular culture. It like everyone just kind of agrees, independently of religion, that this is just a basic truth of the universe.

One such verse, in my opinion, is 1 Corinthians 4-7.

Yes, the verse everyone and their mama has read at their wedding. I know we had the preacher read it at mine!

There is no denying this verse is beautiful. If it weren't I doubt it would be such a popular reading at weddings and anniversaries. My non-religious friends actually had it read at their wedding because they liked the sentiment and my brother, whom is not religious in the least, has hinted at possibly using it in his wedding this summer.

Bottom line, we in Western culture have pretty much accepted this verse as an instruction manual for perfect romantic love. And it is a tall order.

However, lately I have been studying this verse with a new lens and it has completely blown my mind.

That lens, of course, is the lens of a potential adoptive parent.

"Love is PATIENT, love is KIND": There is no patience quite like that of the person waiting for the day they can welcome their child into their family through adoption. First, the waiting involved with infertility. Then, the waiting between trainings and paperwork and certifications and homestudy writing and matching. If it were not wrapped in unconditional love for a child (or children) not yet met, I doubt many would be able to endure it.

"Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful": There is a sort of forced humility which comes from trying to adopt after infertility. You come to realize that, if it were not for some sacrifice or trauma on the part of another, you would never be able to grow your family. It's hard to be rude or boastful after coming to that realization, and it's almost impossible to insist on your own way. You come to love and respect the journey others are walking which will eventually bring you to your child.

"It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.": As someone planning to adopt from foster care, this part hits me particularly strongly. I know my children will come to me due to some type of trauma. Without that trauma they would never become mine. Nobody involved in this adoption triad is grateful for that trauma. Nobody is happy about the circumstances that cause biological parent and biological child to be separated. However, we all rejoice in the truth that this child is loved enough by everyone involved to receive the opportunity to heal and thrive. 

"It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.":  If you have seen the mountain of paperwork adoptive parents must fill out just to be eligible for a homestudy, you would understand this last part. Adoptive parents go through several different rounds of education, paperwork, meetings, interviews, etc. just to be considered as a possible match for a child. These are good things designed to help keep adopted children safe in the long run and they are generally good things. However, it is a long journey. Sometimes it's hard to deal with the fact that we must attend ANOTHER training or fill out yet ANOTHER form to become parents. It's our belief and hope that we will eventually grow our family that gets us through those particularly rough days. 

I may not always love this journey, but this journey has taught me more about my capacity for love than I ever thought possible. 

Someday (maybe even someday soon) Steve and I will bring our children home and it will be one of the most joyful days of our lives. That joy will come from a well of abundant, unconditional love cultivated during this period of waiting.

Christmastime at our house!

Our first Christmas after Steve and I got married he placed my wrapped gift from him under the tree four weeks before Christmas and refused to let me open it until Christmas day at my parents' house. Knowing my impatient nature and my compulsive need to solve mysteries, this act on his part was specifically designed to torture me.

He would later tell me it was to ensure I called him more often while he was travelling for work because I hate talking on the phone unless I have a specific reason to call.

Since then it has become a bit of a tradition for us to give in to our impatience and open our gifts to each other as soon as they are wrapped each year. This year was no different.

Last night when Steve got home we had our Christmas between the two of us and I have to say, I was clearly a very good girl this year.

But before I tell you what Steve got me, I want to tell you what I got for Steve. I bought it back in September and I have been DYING to give it to him early.

one big gift:

A one hour intro to flight lesson at the local airport! He gets a full hour in the air with a pilot learning about how to fly the plane and, after learning the basics, he gets to take the controls for a while and land the plane! Steve has talked about getting his pilot's license ever since I've known him but has always said it was too much money. Well, now he gets to at least try it out and see if the reality meets his expectations. The hour will count toward his license if he decides to go through with getting it as well, so, you know, bonus! lol

Now for what Steve got me...

gift #1

A set of makeup brushes from Sephora I've had my eye on for a while. They are made to be antibacterial and will stay that way with regular cleaning, so it will prolong their lifespan and help my efforts to keep my face from breaking out.

Gift #2

Something I haven't told many people about is my desire to learn how to play guitar. I have a TON of songs I like to sing with my students and I have always thought it would be cool to be able to play along with my songs. I used to play the violin and the upright bass and I have found that I truly do miss playing an instrument.

This is actually a "beginner guitar" set from a local music shop. It came with everything in the picture: the guitar (a Mitchell dreadnought acoustic guitar), carrying case, strap, extra set of strings, digital tuner, picks, and an instructional DVD on how to get started playing. I'll be playing "Smelly Cat" in no time! :)

I'm so freaking excited! And here I thought nothing could top what I got for Steve...

When God Says "No"

Maybe it's because of the circumstances in which I've found myself over the last couple years, but I've developed a bit of a pet peeve related to God and prayer.

It seems to me that people only say "God answered my prayers" when they get positive results... or a "yes" from God. Unless they get what they asked for they assume God didn't answer them. There is even a hit song by Garth Brooks alluding to this:

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

I have several issues with this line of thinking. Not the least of which being that it reduces God's role in our lives to that of a wish granting genie we turn to when we need a miracle rather than a loving father with whom we desire to build a relationship.

Can you imagine if we operated under this assumption within other relationships?
me: Baby, can you pick up a quart of milk on your way home?
husband: No, I don't have cash or my debit card with me today.
me: You aren't listening! I need you to pick up a quart of milk!
husband: I have no money with which to purchase milk. I won't be bringing any home.
*husband arrives home without milk*
me: If you truly existed and loved me like you say you do you would listen when I ask you to bring home milk.

It sounds insane. And it is.

The basic truth here is that God listens to all of our prayers and he answers all of them, too. Not all of them receive a simple "yes". Sometimes it's "not yet".

And many times God says "no".

I can't tell you how many times I prayed for a pregnancy. How many times I prayed for a biological child. How many times I prayed for the ability to conceive. I prayed for these things for YEARS. Here I am.... no babies , not pregnant, not even the hope of conception. Does that mean God wasn't listening or that I was not given an answer?

No.

God answered me quite clearly. The answer was "No". He didn't do it to be mean. He didn't do it out of spite. He didn't do it because he doesn't love me as much as people with "yes" answers.

He said no because he wants me to follow a different path. He said no because he can see what blessings lie in store for me if I trust him rather than insisting on my own way. He said no because he loves me.

Being a Christian means trusting God with our lives. It means holding onto the promise that he will never abandon us and that his love will never ask us to endure trials without purpose or benefit to us. It's not easy, I'm not saying it is, but it's exactly what we signed up for when we prayed our first "I believe" prayer.

So can we all agree to stop saying "unanswered prayers" when we really mean "God said no"?

Homestudy visit #1

The good news is our caseworker seems awesome and the first visit went really well.

The bad news is visit #2 will be much more in depth and I'm already nervous.

Overall though our visit was not what I expected. Our caseworker loved on our dogs for a minute and then we sat on the couch and went over some information. She talked about the timeline of events from this point, shared information about how each visit would unfold, and then asked just a few questions about big pictures things. 

For example, she asked how we would describe ourselves as a nuclear family unit and how we would create a positive environments for any children placed with us.

It was a bit weird inviting in a stranger and immediately talking nature vs. nurture with them... not gonna lie. But, she seemed genuinely invested in helping us grow our family.

We did go ahead and schedule our final two visits. Believe it or not we will finish everything before the new year! At that point it will be reviewed and sent off to the appropriate departments for approval.

I love paperwork and procedure as much as the next person. but I'm hoping our information defies tradition and flies through the approval process!

Emotions are hard.

No, really. I have some very strong emotions right now and I'm dealing with them in some new and interesting ways.

First, MAJOR EXCITEMENT over the fact that we have been assigned a caseworker! It took longer than I had hoped, but it happened. Not only were we assigned a caseworker, but we have already scheduled our first meeting with her!

It's on Tuesday morning....

Which brings us to the next emotion... PANIC! Is my house clean enough? Does our wall art make us look like self-involved jerks with no parenting skills? Should I give each room a fresh coat of paint? Should we have the kids' rooms all set up? How much clutter says "lived in but not a secret slob"? If I pull the fresh-baked cookies trick is she going to think I'm trying to manipulate her?

The questions are as numerous as they are ridiculous.

The excitement and panic like to team up and create this awesome sense of restlessness. You know how you feel when you've had three cups of coffee in an hour and if you sit still too long you literally shake? That's me right now - sans caffeine.

I spent the last two days scrubbing my house from top to bottom. As in, removing the screws on the bottom of my freezer to clean every inch of the appliance. As in making Steve go to the store for his weight in vinegar and baking soda to wash the patio stones. As in lint rolling every lampshade in the house.

You can say it... I've gone a touch insane. I'm aware of this.

Among the chaos in my head lately it's hard to believe there are non-crazy emotions happening too. I'm relieved that the ball is finally moving. I'm hopeful for 2016 and the possibility that I may finally become a mama next year. I'm grateful to God for bringing us this far. I'm shocked at how much love and support Steve and I have received over this adoption process.