pushing forward

Yesterday was a rough day for me. The stress of my program and trying to get some projects together played off of a lack of sleep and it got ugly. It was hard to focus in class. It was hard to connect to the passion I have for teaching.

In a word, it was really discouraging.

Today I woke up feeling similar and I had to work hard to make positive choices. I purposely dressed up for class and put on makeup. I stopped for some tea. Then I met with my adviser to finalize my plans for my ESOL student teaching portfolio.

It helped a bit and when I got home I managed to get some work done. I also registered for my certification exam.

I'm still not feeling 100% back on board, but I have to believe that this is just one of those things people deal with while they are nearing completion of a big goal. I just have to trust that this disconnect I am feeling is due to stress.

I took on so much this semester, but I'll make it through.

You really do need to floss

This is your friendly reminder to make sure you are not only brushing your teeth, but FLOSSING them regularly as well. I was at the dentist today (for compliments on my smile and a cleaning, of course) and heard the "you need to floss more" lecture several times from other rooms. While it can be entertaining to hear the excuses, I remember all too well what it feels like to be on the receiving end of those lectures and the consequences of not flossing regularly.

I know what you're thinking...

But if you think you don't have time to floss (5 minutes maximum each night) then you are in for a rude awakening when you have to sit in the dentist chair for hours with your mouth numb while they do a deep cleaning.... or a root canal... or a filling... or various other unpleasant treatments. 

Also, not many people know this, but if you floss regularly your gums will look healthier and the dental hygienist doesn't have to stab you with that sharp pick thing at each visit. It's only used when they feel they need to check for periodontal disease... which you can easily prevent through flossing. I would think most people would prefer less stabbings in their lives.

If you are still not convinced, I have a challenge for you. When you brush your teeth tonight give your mouth a quick floss and then smell the dental floss. If you are not completely grossed out by the nasty smell then I will never ask you to floss again. For the rest of you, I'm willing to bet the smell will be enough to motivate you into establishing a habit.

Keep in mind that water flossers are not as expensive as they once were. They are a great option for those of us who feel incredibly awkward trying to get to those back teeth with that tiny string wrapped around our fingers.

Lent and other new-ish adventures

For those who were not aware, today is Ash Wednesday - the beginning of the Lenten season.

Over the last several years this day has not held much significance for me. I did not really pay much attention to lent or anything having to do with church. The truth is, even though I spent a lot of my younger days involved in church- teaching Sunday school, participating in weekly bible study, attending youth group, going on mission trips -  I hit a spiritual dry spell once I moved out on my own. I met people with radically different beliefs, sometimes none at all. I experienced new situations and feelings and I found myself really questioning my beliefs for the first time. The new life I wanted to live, and the people I had come to care for and wish to be accepted  by, did not fit within the beliefs I brought with me into this new phase of my life. So, I distanced myself from the church and rationalized my choices until I didn't feel guilty about them.

This year is different though.

You see, this year Steve and I are really embracing Lent and all that it means as candidates for confirmation within the Catholic church.

To keep an incredibly long story slightly more brief, I have felt a tug back to the church since leaving Savannah. In dealing with my issues I realized I wanted to get back that spiritual relationship I threw away when I started college. It felt like a really important piece to the puzzle once I began receiving physical and emotional healing of my various ailments. Unfortunately, none of the churches I visited felt right... they didn't feel like home the way it did back in middle and high school. I would come home angry and upset after the services and Steve didn't even want to attend with me because he felt so uncomfortable. 

The anger and discomfort wasn't even due to dealing with our baggage. That would have been understandable. Many times I just wholeheartedly disagreed with what the preacher had to say!

After seeing me come home so many times disappointed, Steve suggested the Catholic church. I was hesitant for many reasons... not the least of which being the experiences of friends of mine who are Catholic dealing with their own issues within the church. In the spirit of open mindedness, we tried it out and we were surprised by how much we didn't hate it.

We began the process of inquiry back in August and have been attending RCIA classes. We met with one of the deacons of the church to discuss our questions and anxieties about joining the church. We have been reading the Catechism and studying the teachings of the church. I have had coffee dates with my conversion sponsor once a week lasting hours on end due to my many many questions on theological issues present in the church. There have been debates and tears and all sorts of awkward moments since we jumped in at the deep end in August.

At the end of the day, with the help of some friends, Steve and I have come to the conclusion that the Catholic church is the place for us to rebuild our spiritual relationships and raise our family. So, now that we have the basic information and understandings of the church, we will go through some rites this weekend before entering into the final weeks of classes and getting confirmed at the Easter vigil mass. Catholic Lent is a bit different than what I have experienced in the past. The no meat on Fridays thing kind of threw me if we're being honest. But, we've got plans to attend a fish fry or two and I've been pinning recipes so we will survive.

Steve has chosen to give up meat on Wednesdays as well for his Lenten sacrifice. I have chosen to give up ice cream and replace my slightly trashy chick lit/ brain candy reading with some books on theology of the body borrowed from my sponsor. 

If you don't mind, please be praying for us as we go through this transition. We know not everyone will feel supportive of this choice, but it is what we feel is best for our family.

In thanks to the many Catholic bloggers who have offered some interesting perspectives over the last few months, I'm going to link to a favorite blog's "Little Holy Days" linkup. Maybe something over there will strike your fancy.

In other news: classes are going well. I'm completely overwhelmed most days, but I think that comes with the whole "last semester of classes" thing. Again, I will survive.

the end of block two

Another semester over, another semester closer to finishing my degree. I'm pretty pleased with the way things worked out this semester. I mean, after so many semesters of just kind of plodding through, struggling for a passing grade, getting straight As feels good. It feels good to finally know that I'm on the right path. Of course, being on the President's List never gets old either. :)

I will say, it is a weird feeling knowing that next semester is my last one with regular undergrad classes. One last semester of going to campus, sitting through lectures, and taking tests. After May 2013 I'll just be in the classroom teaching.... maybe even teaching my own class if this Project Retain thing works out.

I don't think I mentioned it here, but I'm a finalist for Project RETAIN: a partnership program between GSU and the City Schools of Decatur where they will choose two interns to be hired as teachers during their last semester. Essentially, if chosen, I would be hired by CSD as a teacher, receive a salary, and complete my student teaching requirements by co-teaching with a mentor teacher for the 2013-2014 school year in a Decatur school. I would still graduate in December, but my job would be guaranteed through the end of the school year.

It doesn't get much better than that.

As a finalist, I will be doing my block III practicum in a CSD school. It also means that I will be completing my ESOL student teaching during block III rather than during my student teaching semester. More work now for a possibly huge payoff down the road. It seems to be fitting with the theme Steve and I have had for the last 3 years.

There are a total of 7 finalists and 2 will be chosen as teachers. At the end of block III I will submit my professional portfolio, my ESOL student teaching notebook, and my resume before participating in an actual job interview for the position. I'll know sometime around my birthday if they picked me. Here's hoping they do.

Besides the academics and finishing up classes, block III is when I will be taking my GACE exam (Georgia's version of the Praxis) and applying to graduate. It seems pretty surreal.

Happy Tuesday!

Tuesdays are probably my least favorite days of the week this semester. I have my science and math methods courses on Tuesdays at the downtown campus, and I also always seem to have a ton of homework to do on Tuesdays. I have to go to bed super early in order to be awake in time for placement on Wednesday, so all of my homework and dinner making and such gets squished into teeny tiny amounts of time.

Multiply that sense of panic when my weekend is already stocked with plans and activities which don't lend themselves to completing school work.

So you see, I need to find a way to make Tuesdays better. I need to find a way to focus on the positives and feel less stabby on Tuesdays. This is why I am going to try out a weekly blog posting called Happy Tuesday where I list good, funny, interesting things that happened on that particular day. I'm hoping that by consciously looking for things that make me happy I will me able to more easily brush off the things that make me want to punch people.

Today these things made me happy:
- playdough mustache pictures created by friends during science class
- my new doctor actually taking the time to talk to me and make me feel like she wanted to know me as a person rather than just a medical history chart.
- lots of those cute little brown finches were hopping around five points today and they don't fly away from me right away anymore.
- There was a seat available on the train this morning so I could sit and read on my way to class.

third grade

This week I began my practicum experience in third grade. I'm in the same school where I did my first grade practicum, so I don't have too much of a school culture adjustment. What I am finding though is that third grade is about a million times different than the other grades I've observed. The students have fully developed personalities and they are testing the boundaries of the classroom in much more obvious ways. I don't have a class full of sweet babies who spend the whole day trying to love on me, I've got a room full of sweet babies who are trying their best NOT to be seen as sweet babies.

In the two days I spent in the classroom we had some explosive situations and events which required really strong classroom management skills. Skills that I am still in the process of developing. There were tears, hurt feelings, and more drama than a Real Housewives episode. Never in my life would I have believed 8 year olds would experience such intense changes in attitude throughout the day. I figured they were still too young to begin experiencing the craziness that comes with trying to establish yourself as an individual.

Boy was I wrong.

However, all of this being said, I have never felt so alive and important and needed than I did over the last two days. There is a group of boys in particular that made me feel like dragging my butt out of bed and showing up that day was worth something to someone.

This is not to say that I didn't have similar feelings during other practicum experiences. I did. This experience feels different though. I'm not able to put my finger on why that may be just yet, but I am beyond excited to spend more time with these kids and find out.

painful eyeballs exhausted

There are two points during the typical semester when I really feel overwhelmed and stressed out: the midpoint and finals week.

Since entering the program I haven't had to deal with midterm or final exams too much. My professors seem to really enjoy giving big projects instead. Just this week I had two due and I've got another paper due tomorrow and a science project due next week. All of this in addition to lesson planning for the two days each week I teach and prepping for the transition to the next grade level.

It's a barrel of fun over here, let me tell you!

I got home from class tonight just about thirty minutes ago and I am so exhausted that my eyeballs hurt. So tired that my shoulders creep up into this tense kind of shrug without me even realizing it. So stressed that I compulsively check my homework app to see if I forgot an assignment. I really don't like feeling this way.

What I do like is learning a great new way to inspire a love of writing in a student. I love finding fun activities to make a subject come alive for students, possibly for the first time. I love the pride in a kid's voice when they tell me they asked their mom to buy them a box of rigatoni because we used it in class during a math lesson on shapes and graphing and they wanted to show their brother what they learned. I live for lightbulb moments and successful mystery walkers and laughter from the reading corner.

It is really really REALLY hard to stay focused on all of these things I love when I am so tired that I'm not sure I can spell my own name, but I have to. I have come to the realization that the workload in this program is intentional. This struggle between finding time to get all the work done and being alert enough to enjoy it is not going to magically get easier after graduation. Somehow, my friends and I must find a way to convert small bits of classroom joy into an efficient fuel to get us through rough patches.

Until then, there's always chocolate and back rubs from a very understanding and encouraging husband. :)