I feel like lately Steve and I have been on this weird loop. We get a match, it falls through, we go back to waiting.
We have another match. We are still waiting for confirmation of everything and a "game plan" of sorts. There are many possibilities, of course, but nothing concrete. I am not fond of uncertainty, but I'm told that parenthood comes with a lot of it and to get used to it.
I'm making a concentrated effort.
I also feel like I am annoying the poo out of our caseworker. We have only called her twice this week. But it's also only Tuesday. Once per day isn't too bad, right? Right?!?!?
This month also marks 3 years since we have been actively trying to grow our family. I think that in and of itself is having an effect on my ability to deal lately. I find myself reflecting on the past few years of trying to conceive/ trying to adopt and the years before of patiently waiting for us to be able to try. I go through all of the woulda, coulda, shouldas. I end up being really harsh on myself without really meaning to.
The hardest part of it all? Making peace with my body.
Since starting the TTC journey I have gained 50 pounds. Not that weight is everything, but it makes me uncomfortable. Once we hit the 1 year TTC mark I stopped exercising because I thought THAT was preventing me from getting pregnant. Then, once we realized something was really wrong, I was so angry at my body for what I perceived as betrayal, I stopped caring enough to make healthy choices.
Now, here I am with a large physical reminder of my emotional journey.
Today, I look at myself in the mirror and I see all of the pain and sorrow from the last three years. If it weren't for the tiny spark of hope I have now in the form of being homestudy approved and potentially matched, I wouldn't recognize myself at all.
The red hair doesn't help.
This journey has completely changed me, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I can admit now that maybe some of those changes needed to happen. Maybe I needed to change in order to be the parent I want to be... maybe even the parent I need to be. It doesn't make the process hurt any less, but I do find comfort in the knowledge that God doesn't allow us to suffer without using it for our own spiritual refinement.
My prayer at this weird, emotional time of my life is to honor the journey I've already gone through and look forward with hope and optimism.