I remember in the years before I met my husband and the years before having children was something we were focusing on how I loved Mother's Day. I was obviously thankful for my own mother and grandmothers, but there was a gentle hopefulness about the day. It was a day when I was encouraged to daydream about my future family. I would think about what it would be like to spend the day with the little family we had created and how it would feel to be living out the deepest desire of my heart.
Clearly those dreams from Mother's Day past are still just that, dreams.
That gentle hopefulness of Mother's Day in the past has now been replaced with a not-so-gentle ache. A churning in my gut caused by the uncertainty regarding my future motherhood. This year it was so bad that I skipped church. I simply could not handle the festivities this year.
I do have a good feeling about next year though. It's a bit painful to let that tiny bit of hope take root, but it is there.
Today Steve and I bought beds for our future foster-adopt children. It seemed fitting to buy that kind of furniture on Mother's Day. I may not have my children in my arms, but they have been living in my heart all my life. I'm finally able to buy simple things like a set of sheets for them. A pillow for them to sleep on when they finally arrive.
It was an unexpectedly soothing task.
Such a simple thing in the grand scheme of things, but it brought me peace to be able to buy something for my child on Mother's Day. It was a little reminder that, although I am walking a difficult road, one day this part of the journey will be only a memory and a new and joyful journey will have begun.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you women out there. Those with children in your home and arms, those of you with children in heaven, those of you with children too far away to hug, and those still waiting for motherhood to find you.