State Adoption Match Meeting recap

This past Thursday was the big state-wide adoption event for DFCS called the State Adoption Match Meeting. It's essentially an opportunity for every region and county in the state to present all of their waiting children to families looking to adopt from foster care. It's not just for people with an approved homestudy either, it's for anyone interested in adopting older children from foster care.

Our caseworker recommended we go since we are not exclusively matched with anyone yet and, in the end, I'm incredibly glad we went.

The event was held at the Hilton Atlanta Airport and was much more organized than I was expecting! They had a check-in table for families set up outside of the main event space when you first walked in. Then, there was a space with tables and chairs for families to sit and sort through information away from the matching event space. They also had food, drinks, and snacks. A HUGE perk in my opinion.

Inside the main event space each region had their own space which was decorated in a unique theme. One was railroad themed, one baseball, one was the beach, and there were actually two regions with Star Wars themes! Within each region's area they had their caseworkers and adoption coordinators present to answer questions and help families identify children matching their preferences.

I thought I would be overwhelmed by the event, but it wasn't as crazy as I expected. There were a lot of people and a lot going on, but being able to leave and sit in a separate room to gather my thoughts was incredibly helpful to staying in a clam state of mind.

Major kudos to the state offices for thinking of that!

Our agency and caseworker were also there to provide support for us. We met with several caseworkers about various families and walked away feeling confident that something good would come from attending. We spoke with the caseworker for the kids we currently have a pending match with. She gave us some helpful information about the state of things with that. We also found out about another sibling set we might pursue a match with.

It felt good to walk away from an event feeling so positive after such an emotional week.

another maybe

I feel like lately Steve and I have been on this weird loop. We get a match, it falls through, we go back to waiting.

We have another match. We are still waiting for confirmation of everything and a "game plan" of sorts. There are many possibilities, of course, but nothing concrete. I am not fond of uncertainty, but I'm told that parenthood comes with a lot of it and to get used to it.

I'm making a concentrated effort.

I also feel like I am annoying the poo out of our caseworker. We have only called her twice this week. But it's also only Tuesday. Once per day isn't too bad, right? Right?!?!?

This month also marks 3 years since we have been actively trying to grow our family. I think that in and of itself is having an effect on my ability to deal lately. I find myself reflecting on the past few years of trying to conceive/ trying to adopt and the years before of patiently waiting for us to be able to try. I go through all of the woulda, coulda, shouldas. I end up being really harsh on myself without really meaning to.

The hardest part of it all? Making peace with my body.

Since starting the TTC journey I have gained 50 pounds. Not that weight is everything, but it makes me uncomfortable. Once we hit the 1 year TTC mark I stopped exercising because I thought THAT was preventing me from getting pregnant. Then, once we realized something was really wrong, I was so angry at my body for what I perceived as betrayal, I stopped caring enough to make healthy choices.

Now, here I am with a large physical reminder of my emotional journey.

Today, I look at myself in the mirror and I see all of the pain and sorrow from the last three years. If it weren't for the tiny spark of hope I have now in the form of being homestudy approved and potentially matched, I wouldn't recognize myself at all.

The red hair doesn't help.

This journey has completely changed me, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I can admit now that maybe some of those changes needed to happen. Maybe I needed to change in order to be the parent I want to be... maybe even the parent I need to be. It doesn't make the process hurt any less, but I do find comfort in the knowledge that God doesn't allow us to suffer without using it for our own spiritual refinement.

My prayer at this weird, emotional time of my life is to honor the journey I've already gone through and look forward with hope and optimism.

not so much

The potential match I posted about recently did not work out.

It was our decision not to move forward and we had some genuine, big reasons for not pursuing it further. Still, it stings. 

It stings because we met and bonded with these children. It stings because we dared to hope that our journey toward parenthood was coming to an end.

To quote John Green, "It hurts because it mattered".

One positive thing to come out of this mess is that we received our official state approval earlier than expected. We are officially "paper pregnant" as of February 10, 2016.

That term feels so weird. I'm not sure I like it, but it seems fitting and others around us have sort of latched onto the saying. 

Meh. Whatever makes them happy, I guess.

As disappointed and saddened as we are, we are still moving forward and open to any new matches that might come our way. Our caseworker is awesome (as is our agency) and this team behind us is working with us toward finding our family. 

This process has shown me time and time again that God's timing is perfect.

I'm trusting him with this completely.

Is this real life?

I can't say much right now, but things are happening. They are happening quickly.

Children (yes, children. three of them to be exact) have been identified for us and we have a pending match. We are expecting word from the state in the next day or so.

Things just got really real.

I will update when I can.

I'm not exactly Ty Pennington

There isn't much to update on with the adoption except that Steve and I put on our DIY hats and planned a large scale home makeover in preparation for kiddos.

Well, Steve drove me to Home Depot and gave input on paint swatches. Then he napped because he had a man cold and hates painting.

I put on my super cheap yoga pants from the grocery store, cranked up my "getting stuff done" playlist, and pretty much attacked the walls of our largest guest bedroom with a paintbrush and rollers. It went from a dirty looking yellow color to the most amazing shade of blue. It's called "Yucutan" by Behr and I'm in love.

Although gender neutrality was a large factor in our choice of paint since we don't know the specific children who will share our home or their color preferences, it was much more about which colors I was drawn to at the store.

Our smaller bedroom will be painted a warm grey color called Shitake, also by Behr.

The last room to receive a makeover will be the bathroom which we are painting a bright green color by Behr called "Citrus Peel".

In that picture it looks a little like split pea soup, but it is actually almost lime green in the lighting of our bathroom. 

So far we have only made it through the one bedroom with paint, but the other two rooms are not far behind. With Valentine's Day yesterday and Steve being sick, painting got pushed to the back burner. I spent the morning with my parents, older brother and his fiancee, and my grandmother at brunch before coming home to snuggle my sweet baboo. Much better than sequestering myself in a bedroom with a bucket of paint. Time will tell which room will be finished today.

Next weekend I have a reading intervention program training to attend that I am ridiculously excited about. Hopefully by the time I return the state will have made a decision and we can go out and find our children! 

Ash Wednesday

It's that time of year when your Catholic friends walk around with black smudges on their foreheads and get creative with seafood recipes.

Yup... it's officially Lent.

In the past, this season of the liturgical year has seemed like a serious and sad time. The church is draped in purple, we can't sing the Gloria at mass, people are fasting, everyone has given up something they love. I always associated this period between Mardi Gras and Easter to be the gloomiest part of the year. I mean... we're all just pushing through until Easter, am I right?

This year I am seeing this season of fasting, prayer, and almsgiving in a new light. It has always been a season of preparation, but I don't think I truly honored the purpose of preparation before this year.

Steve and I have been in a season of preparation for our family for a while now. We got final approval from our agency at the end of last month and are only waiting on one letter from the state before we can begin matching with children. The day when we can finally meet our children and bring them home is imminent. 

But, we aren't quite there yet. And it's a good thing because we have a few things we need to do still. Little things like painting the bathroom, washing the new towels and bedding we purchased. As well as big things like meet with case workers to identify which kids we are willing to match with.

This process is a microcosm of what is happening our hearts as we prepare for Easter. That day when Christ rises from the dead will be filled with a joy worthy of a southern banana pudding celebration. But you can't truly appreciate it and enjoy that day without buckling down and honoring the journey. 

By fasting, praying, and giving alms we are doing those big and little tasks which prepare the way for celebrating the gift that is Christ's resurrection. Just as we must prepare for the gift of parenthood, we must prepare our hearts and minds for the greatest gift we will ever receive, which is Jesus on the cross.

I have said it before, but I'll say it again. I may never know the full list of reasons behind our infertility in God's plan for us, but I know without a doubt that he is using our adoption journey to draw me incredibly close to him and rekindle the relationship which all but died between us over the last few years.

I hope all of you who are fasting have an easy fast and that you use this Lent to grow your own spiritual relationship.

A lesson on love

There are some verses of the Bible which are so well known they become intertwined with secular culture. It like everyone just kind of agrees, independently of religion, that this is just a basic truth of the universe.

One such verse, in my opinion, is 1 Corinthians 4-7.

Yes, the verse everyone and their mama has read at their wedding. I know we had the preacher read it at mine!

There is no denying this verse is beautiful. If it weren't I doubt it would be such a popular reading at weddings and anniversaries. My non-religious friends actually had it read at their wedding because they liked the sentiment and my brother, whom is not religious in the least, has hinted at possibly using it in his wedding this summer.

Bottom line, we in Western culture have pretty much accepted this verse as an instruction manual for perfect romantic love. And it is a tall order.

However, lately I have been studying this verse with a new lens and it has completely blown my mind.

That lens, of course, is the lens of a potential adoptive parent.

"Love is PATIENT, love is KIND": There is no patience quite like that of the person waiting for the day they can welcome their child into their family through adoption. First, the waiting involved with infertility. Then, the waiting between trainings and paperwork and certifications and homestudy writing and matching. If it were not wrapped in unconditional love for a child (or children) not yet met, I doubt many would be able to endure it.

"Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful": There is a sort of forced humility which comes from trying to adopt after infertility. You come to realize that, if it were not for some sacrifice or trauma on the part of another, you would never be able to grow your family. It's hard to be rude or boastful after coming to that realization, and it's almost impossible to insist on your own way. You come to love and respect the journey others are walking which will eventually bring you to your child.

"It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.": As someone planning to adopt from foster care, this part hits me particularly strongly. I know my children will come to me due to some type of trauma. Without that trauma they would never become mine. Nobody involved in this adoption triad is grateful for that trauma. Nobody is happy about the circumstances that cause biological parent and biological child to be separated. However, we all rejoice in the truth that this child is loved enough by everyone involved to receive the opportunity to heal and thrive. 

"It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.":  If you have seen the mountain of paperwork adoptive parents must fill out just to be eligible for a homestudy, you would understand this last part. Adoptive parents go through several different rounds of education, paperwork, meetings, interviews, etc. just to be considered as a possible match for a child. These are good things designed to help keep adopted children safe in the long run and they are generally good things. However, it is a long journey. Sometimes it's hard to deal with the fact that we must attend ANOTHER training or fill out yet ANOTHER form to become parents. It's our belief and hope that we will eventually grow our family that gets us through those particularly rough days. 

I may not always love this journey, but this journey has taught me more about my capacity for love than I ever thought possible. 

Someday (maybe even someday soon) Steve and I will bring our children home and it will be one of the most joyful days of our lives. That joy will come from a well of abundant, unconditional love cultivated during this period of waiting.